What He Fears Most
by Corianin
Summary: Sometimes, honesty to oneself is the most important thing.


Author's note: This was a response to some prompt or another on some website for some contest a couple years ago, but I can't remember exactly what or why. Still, it was a little one-shot that I really enjoyed writing, and I hope you all have fun with it. :-D

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"So what's yours?" the imp asked, perched on the railing while banging and clanging arose from below the floor's grating.

"What's my what?" came the chipper, if muffled, response, followed immediately by a none-too-chipper snarl of pain as something pinched something that truthfully didn't need to be pinched.

"Your phobia!" Rose jumped from the railing to the floor, ducking her head into the opening beneath the TARDIS console. The Doctor looked away from his wires to see an upside-down face with laughing eyes and a mop of unruly blonde hair grinning at him. He smirked at her and told himself he definitely did not feel his hearts pause when she smiled. Not one bit.

"My phobia?" he exclaimed indignantly.

"Yes, Doctor. What you fear more than anything."

He decided not to correct her definition. It was sometimes okay to just let Rose be Rose and not try and change her thought processes too much. Even though he could. It was, after all, part of what he l...liked about her.

"Haven't got one. Time Lords are immune to fear." His smug response was punctuated by a SNAP as the piece he'd been poking around at finally obliged his attempts and sat itself into place.

"There now, she's all done!" With a bound he was on his feet and past Rose, fiddling with the buttons on the ship's console. The gleam in his eyes always made her giggle; this time was no exception.

"So where to, me foine Rose?" he tossed out in a brogue that made her laugh. And despite the fact that somewhere inside he knew he was lying to himself, he swore he didn't feel his breath hitch even the slightest at her happiness.

"How's about one of those vacations you promised me?" she chuckled.

"What? No exploring? No seeing new things? No excitement?" He seemed aghast at the very thought.

"No running for our lives? No possibly losing limbs I'd rather keep?" she responded wryly. "Sounds good to me for a change." He stared at her for a moment as though to gauge her truthfulness and determination, and finally broke his gaze away in mock resignation when he found himself just staring. That wouldn't do at all. Quite an unbecoming trait, staring. Could get in a lot of trouble that way.

"Okay. Vacation it is. Although just for the record I wanted to go to the moon of Calabdris - their "corthan catching" ceremony is not to be missed..." She had bounced around the console and flung her arms around his neck, cutting off air flow and making speech impossible. That was the reason he suddenly found his flow of conversation silenced. It had to be.

"Thank you!" Once more she perched on the railing, and it seemed he had a difficult time getting air back into his lungs. He really should teach her not to do that. It...affected his physiological ability to breathe properly. Nothing to do with her at all, really, not as a person. Definitely not. He busied himself with the controls.

"So...let's go someplace I can go swimming!" Visions of Rose in bathing attire...no. No. He was...pushing buttons. Yes. That's exactly what he was doing.

"One beach it is! How about the lovely silver sands of Taran'Kar? I hear they have the most amazing sunsets! Of course, you don't want to get too close to their native sea life. Especially the hemethid. They have this jelly-stuff they shoot out of their -"

"Hawai'i! I want to go to Hawai'i! I've always wanted to." He sighed in mock resignation and moved around to the other side of the TARDIS control panel.

"Hawai'i it is, then." He was hiding his grin but he knew she knew he was smiling, and that made everything okay.

The familiar "whoosh" sound of the ship beginning its journey helped to level his mind, and he wondered if he was coming down with something. It wasn't like him to get so distracted so easily.

"I'm gonna go look through the wardrobe for a bikini!"

Yes. Just like that. He wasn't used to distractions. Not of this nature. Maybe he was coming down with something. Time Lord physiology didn't rule out everything, just...well, 99.9999999% of everything. Perhaps something got through that 0.0000001% and infected him. That had to be it.

"And you still have to tell me your phobia!" came her voice from down the hallway. And that's when the Doctor knew it was going to be a long vacation.

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The familiar jolt as the ship settled in place was a relief for reasons he couldn't begin to explain.

"Your vacation awaits!" he shouted dramatically, then forgot to follow up the statement with anything else as a slender nymph wearing a pink two-piece bathing outfit and a mischievous grin wiped his mind completely clean, leaving nothing but a blank where his usual witty banter would be stored. She stood near the console as she absently tied a large fuzzy towel around her waist and slipped into her sandals, then pulled her hair back into a ponytail.

"I'm ready! Let's go!" She walked over to him and paused, seeming to study him with disguised amusement. "But you're not. No, that suit will never work for the beach. Go change." She waved towards the hallway and his tongue came free from where it had momentarily been adhered to the roof of his mouth.

"What's wrong with my suit?" he asked, injecting a bit of a whine into his voice.

"Nothing, except that it's a SUIT. We're going to be lounging on a beach! Go change into something more beach-y." As he wandered down the hall, pushed by the sheer force of her gaze and smile, he had the fleeting thought that he should probably see a doctor. Except that he was a Doctor. Oh well.

As usual, the wardrobe was prepared, and he walked in to find a single outfit hanging on a hook on the wall, surrounded by atypical emptiness where there was usually a jumble of other clothing. He looked at the outfit. It looked back. He shook his head and demanded that the TARDIS give him another choice. The TARDIS was silent.

"Come on! You've been promising me this vacation since I started traveling with you, and I will not let you spend it hiding in the wardrobe!"

Shaking his head, he began to remove his suit, glancing from time to time at the clothing hanging innocently on the wall.

After acting nonchalant at Rose's giggle when he emerged, he walked towards the TARDIS door. "Nice clothing. Very beach-y." He supposed it wasn't so bad, really, though he did feel a bit out of sorts. He liked hats, really, it's just that...

"I especially like the straw sombrero. Not very Hawai'ian, but I like it." She said as she smiled, and the Doctor briefly thought that perhaps this indignity could be borne with grace. Or at least no complaining. With a flourish he stepped forward, flung open the door, and they looked out on...

"Jungle? Doctor, why are we in the jungle?" He was as confused as she was. He knew he'd punched in the proper coordinates for Hawai'i. This was not Hawai'i. He stepped outside, followed by Rose.

"Doctor?" He turned to look at her, studiously keeping his eyes on her face.

"I'm not sure. But with foliage like this, there should be a beach nearby! Let's go see!" And without waiting for a response he grabbed her hand and set off walking.

"Okay. But if anything tries to eat us, I'm letting it get you first!"

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They'd been walking for what seemed like forever but really wasn't when the Doctor abruptly stopped short. Rose, busied with re-arranging her towel around her waist and reflecting that she should have worn shorts, slammed right into his back, her "ooof" matching his own at the collision. She supposed she really wouldn't have needed to grab his waist to steady herself, but walking in a strange jungle in flip-flop sandals...better safe than sorry, right?

Nothing to do with the Doctor at all.

"What's the big deal?" she muttered quietly. It was then that she noticed how tense he was, the muscles beneath her fingers taut as bowstrings. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. The Doctor was trembling...with fear? Was it possible?

"Rose...when I tell you to, head back to the ship. Don't run, just move quickly."

"What is it, Doctor?" She tried to crane her head over his shoulder to get a look at whatever it was that had him scared, but he was too tall for her to see over him and still have a good look down the slope ahead of them.

"Just do as I say, Rose." The terseness of his voice led her to believe they were in very big danger.

"Daleks?" she whispered.

"Worse...go! Now!" From below, she heard a sound that was...a quack? A chatter? What on earth? Before she could register it he had turned and pulled her along with him, guiding her through the plants and trees as the vaguely familiar sound got closer, louder...

Her right foot slipped out of its sandal and she tripped, falling to the ground and pulling the Doctor with her. He jumped to his feet as the noise reached a peak, sounding almost as if it was coming from all sides. He scooped her up and turned to run, and came to a skidding halt as, from out of the treeline, surrounding them, came...

"I thought you said it was worse than Daleks." She was puzzled.

"They are worse than Daleks...worse than anything..." With that enigmatic statement in her ears, she felt gravity take over as he crumpled beneath her. And then her head struck a rock and the last thing she saw for quite a while was the circle of water birds in their fancy tuxedos closing ranks around them. Then everything was black.

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She smelled fish. And not the good, all-you-can-eat-with-a-pile-of-chips kind either. This was just...fish. Between the smell, her pounding head, and the incessant thumping as the Doctor paced back and forth in front of her, Rose almost wished she were still unconscious.

"What happened?" she spoke softly. The Doctor was at her side in a flash, sitting on the hard-packed ground beside her and immediately checking her over for bruises and such. His movements were brisk, fueled by a nervousness she'd never seen from him. She reached out and took his hands in her own, a distant part of her mind wondering if the rest of them would fit together completely as well as their hands did. She was shocked to find him still shaking like a leaf in a strong breeze.

"What's wrong, Doctor?" He simply shook his head and tried to stand up, but Rose was having none of it. She held fast to his hands and drug him back down beside her.

"Listen, we're in a jungle who knows where, and we've been, what, kidnapped by penguins? Not exactly threatening critters are they?" She chuckled. "All roundy and such snappy dressers too." She had a glimpse into his eyes before he turned his head away and was amazed at the stark, irrational fear she saw. "What's wrong?" He took a deep breath and seemed to gather himself before speaking.

"These aren't just penguins, not like on Earth. These are carnivorous, vicious monsters who will rip the flesh from your bones without thought. They are..." he trailed off as he heard her chuckle.

"Are you afraid of them?" He didn't respond. "You are! Gallivanting around the galaxies for centuries facing all manner of icky things and deadly monsters and you're scared of penguins!" She burst out laughing before she could stop it, and was abashed when she saw the hurt look in his eyes. Such beautiful eyes...wait, no. Rose. Captured. Penguins. Remember? No thinking about the Doctor's eyes or how they'd look if you bent down and...

"Okay, so you've found it. My phobia. Are you happy?" He stood abruptly and stalked over to the mouth of the cave they were in, testing the vines that had been placed across the entrance like a net. Rose had never felt so bad. She stood as well, shaking the leaves from her hair and walking slowly over to lay one hand on the small of his back. He tensed at her touch, and she felt even worse knowing she'd managed to hurt him with her thoughtlessness.

"Doctor..." How to continue? What to say? "I'm sorry. I'm such a prat," she finished lamely. He sighed and turned towards her a bit.

"You're not a prat." She just looked him in silence until he returned her gaze. Arching an eyebrow, she was pleased to see him respond with the ghost of a grin."Okay. You're a bit of a prat. But we need to find a way out of here."

"Okay. You can start with telling me why they scare you while we escape." The tone of her voice brooked no argument. He had the fleeting thought that he'd been right about this being a long vacation. But for the first time in his life, he found he could talk about it.

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Later on the Doctor knew he would have to analyze the entire situation, but for now it was enough that they were back in the TARDIS, safe from those...those...he shuddered and slammed the door behind them, part of them wondering why they'd left it open when they set out. No matter. Rose, resplendent in her pink bikini - sans towel, one sandal, and with one broken shoulder strap from their frantic departure from the colony - collapsed in a gracefully boneless heap near one of the railings. A gesture with her head invited him to sit beside her and he crossed the control room, setting the TARDIS to float aimlessly in time and space before dropping down beside her. He told himself it was stress that held him in place when she flopped over and laid her head down on his lap, that it was simply the relief of safety that had him idly playing with her hair. And no, he most definitely was not entranced by her smooth skin and muscles flexing as she shifted to a more comfortable position, was not watching those long legs stretch out beside him. And he definitely was not hoping that broken strap would fall any further.

"You never finished telling me exactly why they scare you," she murmured threateningly. He allowed himself a small shiver.

"Oi! Did you have a look at them? Those beady little eyes...the way they move..." he shivered again and she chuckled, though he could tell she was trying to hide her amusement. "And did you see that Wallace and Gromit show? Evil evil creatures, I say. Though it did get what was coming to it in the end...trapped in a milk bottle and all..." He trailed off as her fingers rested lightly on his calf and she stroked his bare skin soothingly, calming him before he knew he was calmable. A random thought that he should wear shorts more often if her touch was the reward floated through his mind. Just as he was getting comfortable, his hearts returning to their normal Rose-Tyler-proximity pace rather than the flee-for-your-life beating they were doing earlier, there was an odd sound, a high-pitched squeak almost, and he was up and across the room before he knew he was moving. Rose leapt to her feet and headed towards the sound, finally dropping to her stomach near the still-open hole in the grating. He could hear her murmuring as she reached into the opening. But when she stood up and turned towards him...

"I think I'll name him Benny!" The small black and white bundle she held gave a contented "squeak" and cuddled into her arms. And the Doctor stared.

"Doctor?" She sounded worried. "It's just a baby..."

"Not that...not that..." He didn't even hear his own voice whimpering, and if he had he probably wouldn't have recognized it. Rose being Rose, however...

"No better way to clear a fear than to face it!" And with that pearl of wisdom she crossed to where he cowered in the corner and dumped the little feathered thing in his lap. And it didn't fuss. It didn't fight. It didn't bite or snarl or do anything threatening. To the Doctor's amazement - and Rose's eternal amusement - it flopped onto its back and immediately fell asleep. They watched the baby creature for a little while, neither one of them moving.

"Rose..."

"Yes, Doctor?"

"I think it's drooling on me."

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He stood in the observatory he rarely used, staring at the blackness. It was always black in space, but he liked it that way. It allowed him to truly see the light, the glimmer from billions of universes spinning through time, all placing their mark on their little worlds. Even for a Time Lord, it was humbling to think that when it came right down to it, a single being was less than a drop in an ocean. He glanced over to the blanket where his Rose lay curled up like a fallen angel, sleeping soundly. His beautiful Rose. He'd never say that to her. But it was how he felt.

They'd dropped Benny off on their last trip. She'd been so sad to see the little critter go, but she knew he would be happier. A space ship was no place for a penguin. He let his mind wander - she'd been so devoted to it, playing little games she made up and feeding it fish. He felt a sharp stab of sorrow, that as long as she stayed with him she'd never get to have a life, a family of her own. She was so loving and caring, it was easy to imagine her with a family. Children, a husband...he couldn't stand the thought of her with anyone else, but it wasn't fair of him to keep her. A paraphrase from a book he'd read many a time crept into his thoughts. "I will hate whoever you choose because he is not me, and love him if he makes you smile."

Really, she was amazing. She'd single-handedly swept into his life - granted, by his invitation - and for the first time he questioned the truths he'd always taken for granted. And who was she? A shop girl from Earth. Nothing great in the scheme of things. And he would pummel anyone who ever said so. She was great, in ways she would never grasp, in ways almost unfathomable. He didn't deserve her. He would lose her.

He walked over and sat down beside her sleeping form, tucking the jacket from his suit around her choulders, hearing her murmur in her sleep and snuggle against his leg. He knew it wasn't forever, but he would take what he could. She would be gone soon enough, and he would be alone again. She'd asked him what his phobia was, but he'd never truly answered. Never answered even himself until now.

There, with her soft breathing filling the yawning chasms in his soul that he'd never realized he had, he wrapped an arm around the light of his life and stared once more at the blackness. He would face his fear when he had to. But for now, for this little patch of eternity, he had his Rose, and he was not alone. And that was just about perfect.


End file.
